Heaven on Earth

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth. With shutters.

Swingers! Are you looking for a good time in a relaxed environment? Then come down to Heaven and Earth, St. Peter Street, Blackburn. We're offering special rates for single male or couples membership, and single women even get in free! Relax in our sumptuously decorated Social Area and feel your troubles melt away in our mixed sauna, steam room and jacuzzi. You'll have the swingiest time of your life at Heaven on Earth!

Okay, so that's not how today's article in the Lancashire Evening Telegraph read, but it might as well have been. Mr Dhirubhai Patel, the spokesman for the business, can surely expect a massive influx of eager swingers today from the free advertising provided by the paper.

Even more puzzling than the fact that the venue, in the heart of Blackburn's red light district and proudly signed as a "Mixed Sauna" didn't arouse suspicion earlier in its tenancy, the article seems to focus on the venue's proximity to the Cathedral, and notes the objections of two religious leaders, the Rev Kevin Logan and Anjum Anwar, as if their views on this subject were likely to reflect the moral barometer of 21st Century Blackburn.

Borough Councillor Kate Hollern and local jeweller Phil Ainsworth, the two other interviewees, set forth their OUTRAGE and SPEWED their BILE with the following DEVASTATING CONDEMNATIONS:

"I don’t think it’s appropriate." - Kate Hollern

and

"With the new shopping centre, we are trying to encourage more families into the town, and businesses like this opening up make that awkward." - Phil Ainsworth

Of course, any journalist worth his salt would have joined the club posing as a former prime minister and written a gritty, realist piece on the decay of morality in western civilisation and the tragedy of the midlife crisis. He might even have got off with a granny.